Let sleeping witches lie

Late in the day, we get to the heath, and there are witches in the air, which hangs so foul and filthy over the land.

Have you ever seen so fair and foul a day?

No. And we are breathing that. Breathing it! And who knows what those damned witches have been doing in that air? W.C. Fields always claimed he wouldn’t drink water, because of all the disgusting things that fish do in it. Well, you can imagine witches. Right in the air you’re breathing! It’s appalling actually.

Is that even what these flying things are? Witches?

Well, they’re not fish!

Witches then.

Are they really witches, d’you think?

Yeah. Those are witches.

But they’ve got beards!

Who died and made you the authority on witches then? Like witches can’t have beards? Besides, how in hell should I know? Like I’ve seen witches so many times before now! But, I mean, they’ve got to be, don’t they? Long noses and chins. Wearing black.

You’re wearing black and you’re not a witch. Are you?

Stop that!

Just pointing it out.

Besides, they have brooms. And those pointy hats. That’s proper witch stuff.

They could be birthday hats. It could be a birthday.

Whose then?

Uh…William Shakespeare’s?

How would you know? How would anyone know? There’s no record.

Well, there’s a baptismal record…

That’s not a birth. It’s a baptism. Get off it! Those are witch hats.

The thick air practically hums with them, zinging like bees through this ragged soup. Swear to God, the air looks just like ragged soup!

What does that even mean?!? Wtf does ‘ragged soup’ look like anyway?

Like that! And we’re still breathing it. Damned King Duncan! Reducing air quality regulation.

Oh, it’s easy to blame him. Who left the watch fire smouldering this morning?

It was a battle! There wasn’t time! Quick! Act nonchalant because three of them are walking this way.

Just how do you “quick act nonchalant” I’d like to know?

Stop it! Eeethray itchesway! Alkingway this way!

Three witches?!? Walking what way? You call that walking? Shambling maybe. Stumbling. Creeping. Not walking. Certainly not walking. Oh, my God! I think you’re right! I think they’re coming over here!

And they are calling out. All hail, they say. Hail, hail, hail. All hail Macbeth!

Is that what they said? What the hell does that even mean? How the f— can you understand any of that? They’re just mumbling! Thought they said something about stale breath. Sudden death? Cooking meth?

Will you shut up and pay attention?!? They said Thane of Cawdor!

But that dude’s alive. Doing well.

Well, they didn’t say he was dead. Oh, wait! They said I was Thane of Cawdor. And then King.

Get outta here! They did not!

Did too!

Did not!

Then what did they say?

How the hell should I know? But if you’re Thane of Cawdor then he would have to be dead, and he’s not! All this zinging! Flying witches everywhere! And what is that on your shoulder?

It’s rosemary. Supposed to keep witches away.

Hmmm. That works well, doesn’t it?

They said I was going to be King.

Like Elvis?

No, hereafter.

What about me then? Here I was thinking that had done pretty well. That today’s battle might be bankable. Whoa! They really aren’t pleasant up close, you know?

Pay attention.

Not so happy, yet happier what? So, you’ll be king and I won’t be king. Doesn’t do me a lot of good, does it?

But you’ll beget kings, they said.

Beget?

Sire.

You’re not king yet. And even if you were to be king, I’m never calling you ‘sire’!

I meant…you’ll sire kings.

How many?

I dunno. A whole bunch of them. Sacks of them. Hatfulls.

Those little pointy hats wouldn’t hold very many kings.

Will you stop?

Oh. And now they’ve gone. Pop! Like bubbles of the earth.

Can we just get out of here please? I’m so hungry that I’d actually kill you for a beer and a sandwich.

Yeah. I think there’s a castle just over this hill with a decent tea room. Pretty good reputation for lunch too.

Okay. I’d say ‘lead on’ but that would be silly.

Let’s just go eat. Damned witches! They get everywhere!

Just don’t step in that.